I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
