): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I got inside last night via doggy door
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
