No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Are we still banned from the library?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
