Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
