I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
