dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
