I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
