Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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