Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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