Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize