im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
