Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
