All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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