The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
