y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
