I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
