i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize