Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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