i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
