so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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