apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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