I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
