Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
