Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
