I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
