Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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