I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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