My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
