I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am midnight drunk by noon
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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