Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
