I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
