So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
