Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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