the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
