life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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