I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
