I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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