I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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