there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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