And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Duck Duck Cougar?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
