i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
