She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
