Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
two words: eviction party
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
