omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
