I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
