Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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