3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
