My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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