Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
