I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How drunk are you?
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