In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
