I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
