I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
