I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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