yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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