She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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