Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
