You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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