Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My dick has a subreddit
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
