At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
