I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
