I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
