So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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