I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
