Apparently you make a good broom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
