As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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