you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
