I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
