Only a mothe r could love this liver
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
