I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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